Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Another Crying Day

All these while I've been telling myself not to believe in love. For to me, love isn't real. It doesn't exist. It is totally fake. I don't see love as love. I see it as a sense of familiarity. But could that feeling be real after all?

After a series of bad experiences, I've told myself if I ever have a boyfriend again, I will not love too hard. However, that is the one thing you'll forget once you're in a relationship. At times you just can't help it.

I'm a little scared now, cause I'm starting to realize that the wall I've been building all these while is showing cracks. Huge cracks. I think it's about time to do some serious patching. Wall should never go down. If it does, I'm going to get hurt like many other times before. And I, certainly do not want to go there again. I'm just so scared, so terrified and so..., twisted.

Today the weather was cloudy. Everything's so gray. I'm in bed most of the time, crying, sleeping, get up to drink some water and went back to bed. Yeah, I have that much time to waste. Call me a psycho or whatever, I'm just telling the truth, that on certain days, I do feel terrible. I'll be remembering my childhood, playing with my sisters like days won't end. And it'll make me cry knowing the fact that now, everyone has their own separate lives. All of a sudden I feel so lonely, and so lost.

I'm leaving home now. Am going to see mom and then maybe play with the innocent Qaseh for a while. And I'm going to whisper to her, 'Don't you ever wish to grow up quickly little girl. The world is so damn scary, you know..Trust me.'


chics said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chics said...

Like you I build an iron fence around me and I think because of that I hurt lots of people along the way.

When thing get serious, I tend to walk away maybe because I am afraid of myself or I am afraid of the other person although they are doing it right.

Bad experience tought people to have cold vicious heart.

Aziz said...

God, how I understand what you're going through because I am going through that too.. I am beyond scared, I am petrified. Surely one isn't suppose to be in fear of love?, but after the torture that I had to go through after giving my all to someone, takut. Takut diperdaya lagi by that promise of love.

There is no answer and that in itself is scary. In this new r'ship, I am afraid of giving my all, I feel like at times I'm walking on glass, kena berhati-hati. I used to give 100% of myself but now I have to make do with 60%. I'm preparing myself so if s'thing bad happens, I'll be okay because I reserved some of that love for myself. But it sucks. It's not as fun as giving your all. It defeats the purpose of love to begin with.

But honestly, as this r'ship progresses, it gets better. I guess, when you have s'thing good, you will learn to trust it eventually. Mistakes make you smarter, stronger and more practical. But if there are already signs of cracks, you really have to try and talk it out. Bring it out in the open. Don't be accusatory, just ask bluntly, "Is there something wrong between us?"

I still reserve some love for myself but I won't let it stop me from enjoying the best this r'ship can offer me for now. If it'll lasts, good. Kalau tak, I will hurt but it won't be as painful as before. Truth be told, love doesn't conquer all. We just really have to be strong.

I don't even know if that makes sense..

Tyiara said...

it is indeed very scary.

and i wish that somehow an engineer in malaysia get paid a whole lot more.

i dream of living in a "New York" style loft, hosting parties every other weekend, preparing hors d'oeuvres and cocktails..oh this is so chic.

but those are just dreams. my pay couldn't get me anywhere but renting a room in your apartment (which is good enough i guess).

p/s: will be at the airport on the 6th at noon. be there. and after lunch PLEASE take me to KLCC? please?

Sarah said...

It's really not that scary. There's nobody out there who would hurt you purposely. Take time to breath, you'll see how beautiful it is. Chaotic yes, scary i think not. Be thankful love.

Razlah said...

The wall is cracking? Let it. Patch it. If it cracks again I'm sure its not going to be at the same place dear provided you patch the first crack carefully. It will crack again, but, it will be at a different place. Same goes with life. Experience it if you dare or if you don't dare. So, you might get hurt. Remember that experience and don't do the same thing again or don't llet it happen again. Remember (like what i said in my blog) FAILURES ARE EXPERIENCES.

Ty said...

iron fence sgt strong gitu. aku pakai tembok batu je..

thanks. and you are right. but how can you control and not give a 100%?that is something beyond control.

kau gile ah..anyway, what do you know about being heartbroken? talkin bout that, we never really talk about love, kan?always about life, but not love.

captain razlah,
yeah, but my wall has a soft spot where it will always break just there. just right there. always.