Monday, August 28, 2006

No One Else In The Room

.."Lonely..., i am so lonely..., i have nobody..., to call my own.."..
I was that close to breaking down the other day. It felt dreadful when you suddenly sense how lonely you actually are in the head, mind and heart. Last few weeks wasn't so pretty for me. Everything was dark and gloomy. Pearl has left for Colorado and it was really quite heart-wrenching. Never realised that she would actually have that effect on me. She's been coming and going annually for the last 3 years. But this time it was different. Perhaps i found comfort and true connection with this little sister of mine. She understands me so well, i guess, and the bonus point is, she doesn't criticise. I don't think i need any kind of criticism at this point of time.
So Pearl left me teary-eyed to continue this 'lonely' journey on my own.
I remembered a friend telling me a few months back, "Ty, you've just been single for say, 5 - 6 months? I'm telling you, this is just the beginning. If you are enjoying it right now, believe me, things will get better!".
Umm..., recalling that conversation, i was actually very enthusiastic about being single during those early months. I couldn't wait to meet new people, to open up my eyes to a whole new world which seems to me at that time was unfolding so colourfully in front of my eyes. But now i am not so sure..has the unfolding process come to a halt so abruptly? or maybe i am just so tired to appreciate the unfolding process which is forever unfolding, and that I actually want it to stop and let me catch my breath?
Another friend commented when I said "I'm lonely". Now he said, "Hey, and i thought you have so many options to choose from, woman!". Well.., i guess things aren't that easy. I am not even sure of what i want right now. Not even sure why i'm feeling this emptiness even at times when i'm suppose to be busy. I see friends every time i have the chance, i didn't shut myself off from the community. I think i've done good to myself so far, but why? What exactly do i need? Someone? Something? Hmm.., i think i should sit down and really think about what i want, hopefully, this will get rid of the emptiness and make way for me to achieve the ultimate soul fulfillment.
P/s : - Farrah, i think everyone needs an "Andy's Watch" in life to keep them on track. I thought I've found "Andy's Watch", but I actually haven't. Have you?
P/s : - Alek, i totally understand now why you said my "Andy's Watch" was a ridicule. It was totally unrealistic and quite unachieveable. It was taboo! Haha... I'll think of something else to become my "Andy's Watch".

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I Love U, I Lust U?

Can anyone love a person and lust for another? You do not lust for the one you love and you totally do not love the one you lust for. I think it is definitely possible. Hmmm...
Anyways, today was a great day. Work was very satisfying and unstressful (for once!). And i ate lotsa cake. Bet they're gonna go down to my arse pronto!

So Many Things To Do, So Little Time

It is not a good sign if you begin your day with a sigh. But hell, i can't help it sometimes, especially at this moment in time where things are a little haywire, i would say. I have a new job..., (which is not much of a job) to adapt myself to, i have my plans to further my studies (wanna do MBA), to take up lessons for a 3rd language (which i still haven't checked on how, when, where and how much) and to have my own place (which is kinda urgent, because i seriously need to stop being a mommy's girl). Apart from all these, i can't be putting aside the all too natural side of me who is kinda lazy and quite laidback at times. I have wonderful friends (whom i love to chill with for many, many hours perhaps even, for many, many days), i have my family (parents and sisters to juggle my time with) and my passion for books to fill up my anti-social days. I'll consider myself lucky at the moment, for not being in a relationship or should i say marriage? Am i lucky or am i not? I am definitely enjoying myself at the moment, have never known that it is so blissful to be single. Well..., no doubt things can get kinda lonely sometimes, but hey! there are so many things out there for me to indulge myself into. For the time being, I'm just going to sit back, relax and enjoy. Let's see how long i am able to be in this state...Comments, anyone?