Monday, August 28, 2006

No One Else In The Room

.."Lonely..., i am so lonely..., i have nobody..., to call my own.."..
I was that close to breaking down the other day. It felt dreadful when you suddenly sense how lonely you actually are in the head, mind and heart. Last few weeks wasn't so pretty for me. Everything was dark and gloomy. Pearl has left for Colorado and it was really quite heart-wrenching. Never realised that she would actually have that effect on me. She's been coming and going annually for the last 3 years. But this time it was different. Perhaps i found comfort and true connection with this little sister of mine. She understands me so well, i guess, and the bonus point is, she doesn't criticise. I don't think i need any kind of criticism at this point of time.
So Pearl left me teary-eyed to continue this 'lonely' journey on my own.
I remembered a friend telling me a few months back, "Ty, you've just been single for say, 5 - 6 months? I'm telling you, this is just the beginning. If you are enjoying it right now, believe me, things will get better!".
Umm..., recalling that conversation, i was actually very enthusiastic about being single during those early months. I couldn't wait to meet new people, to open up my eyes to a whole new world which seems to me at that time was unfolding so colourfully in front of my eyes. But now i am not so sure..has the unfolding process come to a halt so abruptly? or maybe i am just so tired to appreciate the unfolding process which is forever unfolding, and that I actually want it to stop and let me catch my breath?
Another friend commented when I said "I'm lonely". Now he said, "Hey, and i thought you have so many options to choose from, woman!". Well.., i guess things aren't that easy. I am not even sure of what i want right now. Not even sure why i'm feeling this emptiness even at times when i'm suppose to be busy. I see friends every time i have the chance, i didn't shut myself off from the community. I think i've done good to myself so far, but why? What exactly do i need? Someone? Something? Hmm.., i think i should sit down and really think about what i want, hopefully, this will get rid of the emptiness and make way for me to achieve the ultimate soul fulfillment.
P/s : - Farrah, i think everyone needs an "Andy's Watch" in life to keep them on track. I thought I've found "Andy's Watch", but I actually haven't. Have you?
P/s : - Alek, i totally understand now why you said my "Andy's Watch" was a ridicule. It was totally unrealistic and quite unachieveable. It was taboo! Haha... I'll think of something else to become my "Andy's Watch".


Aziz said...

Sometimes what we don't realise is that there are a hell lot of lonely people out there and that we aren't alone in our despair. Some cry themselves to sleep, some masquerade their silent sorrow with a sunny disposition to hide their supposed pathetic reality. Some are more honest in admitting the reality of loneliness while others rather not shed light on their personal gloom. It's not a nice place to be in, to feel empty without that one someone. But one thing I do know is that those who do openly admit to being lonely and hating it are the stronger ones - because they don't hide anything. And it's harder for these strong people (like yourself) to find an equally courageous partner. Harder, yes, but not impossible.
I wish I have a cure for it but I don't. But I've learned that life is not just about looking for someone to help anchor us. When we fret too much about not finding a partner, at times we miss out on everything else life has to offer: the company of friends, the beauty of art, the pure miracle of God's creations. And before you know it, when you least expect it, an opportunity will come your way. A second chance perhaps.
My point? Everyone will face their downs, sometimes so great a feeling of loneliness that it could render us numb and emotionless. But so what? I'm sure we will also have many a reason to smile, to feel good about ourselves. Happiness should not be dependant on someone else. I mean, if I can't be happy for myself, then how can I expect anyone else to make me happy?
This reply is of course a response to my personal current state of misery. Sometimes I think "Why bother?" after another painful disappointment. Sometimes I wish I was emotionless so that I won't be able to feel the hurt that stabs at my heart, or worse, that hollow nothingness that resides in it. But that would then numb me from experiencing joy or laughter, feelings I cherish more than sadness. I mean, so I'm lonely, but it could really be worse. I can still breathe, I can still sing, I can still confront life in the face and grab it by the balls. And I'm not gonna let the absence of someone special rob that away from me. I may not have someone to go home to, but at least I know my life is not empty without him.

Just my thoughts, is all..
hugs and kisses,

Farah said...

tyiana babes..
everyone would go through the experience of feeling lonely,but believe me,the feeling would pass..i guess the key is to try and discover what does make you happy,it can be as simple as playing with a cat or discussing about 'Andee's watch' with your close friends,find your 'happy place',as corny as it sounds,it does work u know,or if all else fails..get urself a Mars bars..;-)

Alek said...

I'm lonely too,
only because I'm not with you,
So, my dear,
I'll be right here,
I'll hold your hand,
and please try understand,
when i lure you with endless laughter,
it's not your underwear that I'm after,
'Cause maybe,
just a small maybe,
the next time you may be lonely,
You'd at least try to smile in memory,
of the happy times you were with me.

Ivy said...

ty...i've no idea what to say but jus a sigh...i guess i felt the same way as u..
i can say watever situation u r having i can see u r such a strong woman in my eyes n i look up on you.tats true.tats can be so complicated n unpredictable.lonely just a for moment but happiness is along

Ty said...

you're the one master of thoughts. gotta love ya.

I've found my Andy's watch for real. Will tell ya some other time. Ta! I'm gonna go get a Mars bar.

R u for real? Love this one!

Good old you, girl..